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The Venus Game (revised) by Patricia J. DeLois Short Story, Literary Fiction 20 Apr 2008  A short story about sex and pinball. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book You’ve hit on a great image and theme with the pinball machine and have cleverly carried it through into the humour and more subtly in the description. The idea of Sophie, a girl wrestling with who she is and how to manage her burgeoning sexuality, being drawn to this all-male environment means that there is a tension and drama here from the start. Walter is a strong character and feels very real – and of course he’s crucial as a little glimmer of humanity and hope in Sophie’s cold, confused world.             And so onto Sophie. I admire her sassiness, and am intrigued by the way she’s stuck somewhere between bravado and vulnerability. I think you could build on her character further as it’s so absolutely key to how this story works. Obviously she’s a complicated character, but could she be just a bit more likeable? I found it hard to sympathise with her and that meant the ending didn’t really work for me. I don’t think we necessarily need to learn more about what is leading her into self-destructive behaviour, I just think we need to see what makes her special, irresistible and charming in spite of it… could we see more of her witty, quirky, cool side? Her self-pity is off-putting, so I’d suggest less of that.   I’d rethink the ending too, after the richness of the bulk of the story it feels a bit flat and unsatisfying – could we learn something new about Sophie or see a way forward for her? If you don’t feel that’s true to the feel of the story then I think she needs to go out with more of a bang than a whimper… I’d be curious to see where else she could go. Good luck with your writing and congratulations on reaching the Top Ten! Feedback from Vanessa, Random House Readers' Group  Return to Top of Page

JOE VOMOSH OMINOUS EDITION by Joey Short Story, Comedy 24 Apr 2008   The collected adventures of the mythical hero Joe Vomosh, beautifully bound along with his wife Stella for your reading enjoyment. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Congratulations on an innovative, unique story!  I was struck by the originality of your writing, which twistfully integrates the narrator, thus providing two main strings:  1.      Joey developing his story  2.      The adventures of Joe Vomosh  The narrator’s voice reveals Joey as a creative, little boy. The reader warms to Joey, a likeable character, easily. His naivity and childishness make the reader smile and you occassionally wish to give him a hug.  It seems as if Joey invents himself in the role of Joe Vomosh; he himself is the adventurous character who is saving the world.  The two strings creatively intertwine, yet I occasionally found it difficult to familiarise with the different stories. They seem to randomly jump out of Joey’s mind, the way children create their tales, and evoke some confusion which constrains the flow of the narrative.  Have you thought of targeting your short story more towards children rather than to an adult readership? I personally feel that your creative, use of language and voice would suit a children’s audience. For instance, Joey Vomosh discovering sandcastles and pirates, astronauts on the moon, would appeal to children. Obviously, this would require changes in certain areas. Spelling and punctuation would need to be re-considered, however, could be cleverly solved in an illustrated version if your story were to be published.  Altogether, a very original, unique short story you can be proud of. Well done! Feedback from Nicole, Random House Readers' Group  Return to Top of Page

22, Britannia Road (revised) by Colette Historical, Literary Fiction, Novel, Romance 02 May 2008  During the Second World War, Micha and his mother hide in the birch forests of the Polish countryside, living wild and in fear of capture. Micha’s father escapes Poland and serves in the RAF. After the war, the family is re-united and try to make a life in Britain. A story of love, secrets and hope. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book As soon as I read your intriguing synopsis I was raring to begin reading your chapters, and I was so pleased by what followed: your writing is lively, engaging and imaginative and shows such a lot of promise. I can see why you had done so well on youwriteon! The opening of your story is extremely engaging and you very skilfully set out Janusz’s background and the period setting of your story without weighing down the narrative with unnecessary details or an intrusive back-story. The one mention of Helene feels very natural, as if it’s a genuine part of the flow of Janusz’s thoughts and not something you’ve inserted purely to set up that storyline, and it certainly piqued my interest and made me eager to carry on reading. Silvana’s narrative was very compelling and she completely came alive for me on the page, particularly as the young, naïve woman delighting in playing with her lover’s emotions. I was very impressed with how well you created two distinct voices for her pre and post war experiences so that we have some sense of the horrors she’s undergone and also, of course, the changes motherhood brings. I think it’s probably best to keep the specifics of what has happened to her and to Micha during the war to a minimum at this stage, partly to increase the suspense but also as a way of linking Janusz and the reader, so that as Janusz uncovers the truth so too do your readers and we therefore empathise with him. I felt that brief mention of her hair turning grey did more for the reader’s sense of foreboding than reams of narrative ever could. While stories set in the war are, as I’m sure you know, relatively common the intriguing aspect of Silvana and Micha surviving in the woods certainly gives you story an added dimension that is bound to help it stand out among other stories.  Your writing is often excellent, simple yet lyrical. I loved the way you described Silvana standing out in the crowded station like a poppy in a swaying corn field with Micha climbing up her like a monkey; there’s something incredibly poignant in the idea of a child fearing his father and you captured that moment perfectly. At the moment you tell the story from three different perspectives – Janusz, Silvana and Micha – and I think you should keep to this even as your cast of character widens in order not to lose any focus. Too many characters can overwhelm a story and although I’m not sure what you have in mind it would be a real shame if we were to lose any of the sense that this is how a family, rather than a group of individuals, were affected by the horrors of war. On a quick side note, I wasn’t sure why Janusz was serving in the RAF, rather than in but I presume you will be exploring this at a later point in your story?  This was a real pleasure to read, and I’d have quite happily continued reading to find out what happens, and had happened to them all. I really hope you continue to develop this story as I think it shows enormous potential – congratulations! Feedback from Alison, Random House Readers' Group  Return to Top of Page

Coming of Age III by Carlie Short Story, Chicklit 28 Mar 2008  The sudden death of her golden-boy brother leaves Kate staggering hopelessly against the weight of parental expectations. It takes an extreme ride to force her to grow up and face her demons. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book I like the concept of Kate throwing herself headlong into hedonism partly in an effort to escape from the reality of her brother’s death and her parents’ reaction to it. She’s realistic as a character and it’s easy to sympathise with her behaviour. I wonder if a short story is the right format for this though, or if maybe it needs to be a longer short story – it just feels like too much is happening in too few pages. As a result it feels quite rushed and I’m not sure we get to know Kate well enough before all the action starts. I think Jack and Suze need a bit more work in order to feel fully rounded and like an essential part of the story – at the moment they feel a bit like they are simply playing roles in Kate’s journey. I think the ending needs to be clearer too, so that we have a better understanding of exactly what is going through Kate’s head and what has brought her to her final epiphany. I think there’s something here but that the characters need to be fleshed out, the pace slowed down and the ending has to pack a real an emotional punch.  I wish you luck! Congratulations of reaching the Top Ten. Feedback from Vanessa, Random House Readers' Group  Return to Top of Page

The Open Arms of The Sea (Novel) by Jasper Dorgan Action, Adventure, Gay/Lesbian Fiction, Historical, Literary Fiction, Novel, Romance 30 Apr 2008  A story of bewilderment, love and duty set in British occupied Aden in 1965. This is the opening of the novel that has emerged from the short story that previously appeared on YWO More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Your one-line synopsis didn’t give much away and I have to say, from the title of your novel and the categories you had chosen to describe your work I was expecting something much more lyrical and female-orientated, so it was quite a surprise to start reading and find myself in the middle of a desert in the scorching sun!  It was certainly an interesting read with a setting I was quite unfamiliar with, which I always enjoy. Structurally, I did wonder whether it might make for a stronger opening if you were to begin with the scene in the alley when Deacon finds the dead bodies as it would undoubtedly make for a dramatic start to your story and one that is bound to capture a reader’s attention.  From the short extract I’ve read, it’s clear that your strengths lie in your dialogue; in particular the conversations between Deacon and Lockett, which felt very natural to me and often made me smile, but also between the men as they bantered together in the bar. I hope you continue to develop Clemmie’s character as well, so she isn’t too much a stereotypical, silly rich girl but I can appreciate that in the early chapters you want to mainly focus on stressing how different she and Deacon are.  Perhaps as a consequence of how good the dialogue could be, your descriptions seemed on occasion more forced; the relaxed style that you adopt when you are writing conversations between characters is replaced by a much more artificial, contrived style which was a shame but isn’t something I think you’d hard find it to rectify as occasionally you capture a scene perfectly. When you write, for example, that:  By day Aden was all mirage, at night it was a cold and starlit well. you really evoke a strong sense of atmosphere. At other points however, I think you want to be careful not to overload your narrative with too many complicated descriptions; in your first paragraph, for example, I felt it was a little too confusing to describe the ‘broken-glass rocks’, the sun hurling and crushing the world, the ‘shark-toothed highlands’ because the reader can become lost in all the descriptions. At the beginning of your novel in particular you want to set the scene quickly and effortlessly, rather than have the reader puzzle over exactly what you want them to focus on and what they should be feeling.  Do be careful as well, with some of your more ‘masculine’ phrasing, not to offend; I was rather surprised to read:  Deacon took his cold beer and raped it in one ecstatic gorge  when you’ve otherwise set Deacon up to be a sympathetic character and his earlier description of the old Arab falling to his feet in ‘Allah-prayer’ didn’t sit quite correctly with me: surely it would just be ‘prayer’ or ‘prayer to Allah’?  This was a very promising piece of piece of writing however, and I did find myself wondering how the rest of your story would pan out: was the ‘gay/lesbian fiction’ category a hint to how the relationship between Deacon and Lockett will play out? Good luck with everything so far, and good luck too for your future writing. Feedback from Alison, Random House Readers' Group  Return to Top of Page

This World and the Next by JW Hicks Science Fiction 05 Mar 2008 When you've sunk to the bottom of the heap, where next? More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book What was Good: Adopting a dialect which tries to be true to the domestic and class struggles of the main character, Faith, gives the narrative strength and authenticity. Faith’s name is ironic in the face of her dismal situation. She is a likeable character who does not wallow in self-pity. The members of her family are introduced in a suitably superficial way, emphasizing that Faith is one of many. It is obvious that she is representative of her class. The deliberately inarticulate sentences effectively echo the characters’ low level of education, reinforcing the overall feel that community is socially marginalized. The conflicting personalities of and tenuous relationship between the mother and father are deftly described through their dialogue and actions.  What Needs Improvement (or Development): Much of the language, while obviously intended to authenticate the characters’ class, is inaccessible for general readers. As in the first paragraph, there is so much slang throughout the text that the unacquainted reader cannot grasp the meaning. The language becomes distracting rather than descriptive, so cutting down on the slang and/or clarifying its context would make the story more understandable. There is also a lot of hyphenated descriptions which are cumbersome to read, but could easily and effectively be reworded. Slightly less dialogue would help the story move at a quicker pace. Many characters are introduced in the first few chapters, but they are all given equal weight. Although this emphasizes the point that Faith is surrounded by family, workers and bureaucrats, it is unclear who the main characters are and consequently it is difficult to focus on them all. Touching on their past or future relationship with Faith would be a great help in keeping track of everyone. The story seems set to follow Faith’s adolescence in a general way, but it is unclear whether the chapters are building up to a central event. The book is listed on the website as science fiction, but seems to actually be literary fiction. Overall, clarifying the story’s language and direction would make it more engaging.  Overall: The narrator’s point of view and subject matter have promise. No doubt your main character has many interesting stories to tell from her everyday experiences. Congratulations on entering the YouWriteOn Top Ten.  Feedback from Penny, Random House Readers' Group  Return to Top of Page

Persona (Revision 1) by Martine Lillycrop Crime, Horror, Science Fiction 30 Apr 2008 In the final quarter of the 21st Century, sea-levels have risen, power supplies are failing. Disease, hunger and overcrowding affect the western world. DI Flynn's job is to investigate “squirting” - injecting a chemical alter-ego into the brain. There's a new and evil persona on the street. And it knows Fynn’s name. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Martine has managed to create an interesting mix of Dark Sci-fi and thrilling murder mystery with a tempting hint of demonic fantasy thrown in for good measure.  At times it reminded me of James Morrow’s The continent of lies with its vision of a future where escapism acts as a balancing point to the futility of existence, at a time when reality seems less and less attractive. But its dark themed mystery takes it beyond that to read like a Micheal Connelly murder mystery. That would have been enough to give it an interesting edge, but then the sudden inclusion of the demonic presence ‘Mephistopheles’ throws a whole new light on the story. While the blend of themes is not subtle, it is well done and enjoyable.  I like that the main character has a sense of history and depth that is easily recognisable. I think that this subject; and this story in particular, could prove very popular with multiple reader demographics. I believe Martine is emulating the ’voice’ of Flynn (The main character) in an animated novel style of punchy statements replacing fluid sentences. A couple of examples of this are the first line of the piece “Bundle of rags lay across the northbound magway” and “Photo opportunity—guy stepping out of the car”. Done well this style works really well, but it is challenging, and can often isolate many readers from being able to enjoy it. There are several places where this style actually disrupts the pace. These should be smoothed out, especially in the opening page where I found it difficult to start. Thankfully, after the first few sentences there is a momentum to the piece that builds quite rapidly. One suggestion might be to change the voicing slightly to be more fluid – though if Martine feels strongly that the story should remain in that style then I urge the author to continue, but pay a lot of attention to how that style effects the pace and rhythm of the story. The pace starts slow, then rockets off, building momentum suddenly and whisking the reader away through an interesting series of events, new twists appearing at every turn – great stuff! My concern is where the author takes the story next. The pace is so fast that a lot is given away in the first two chapters. Hopefully the author has lots more twists and turns and new revelations for the story that will keep the reader engaged. Again, the pace and rhythm are carefully managed. These sorts of stories can fall foul of having a fast start, and a shocking and revealing ending, but a slow middle. Avoid this as much as possible. The most successful novels maintain a careful balance of drive and revelation throughout the book.  What ever happens, this was challenging, yet eventually enjoyable read and I wish the author the best of luck with it. Feedback from Gary, Random House Readers' Group  Return to Top of Page

Frame-Up by E. Christopherson Crime, Mystery, Thriller 29 Apr 2008 New York magazine journalist Will Pruett attempts to frame himself for a murder he had nothing to do with as a way to put the death penalty itself on trial—to demonstrate how a simple coincidence or two can cost an innocent man his neck. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book What was Good:the opening sentence grabs the reader. The well articulated elements of danger and consequence in the journalist’s investigation, and his believable hesitation to begin the assignment, are intriguing. The themes of race, gender, sexual orientation, class, politics, law and art are very provocative. The interesting mix of these controversial topics and the range of minority angles set the stage for what could be a gripping story, even for readers outside the crime and thriller genres. The pace of the story is quite quick and switching between narrators on either side of the justice system provides a balanced perspective. Setting two police officers up (instead of only one officer) to find the killer/encounter the journalist adds depth to the investigation and story.  What Needs Improvement (or development) Since there are many stereotypes that are both represented and fought against, the story risks seeming contrived. Be careful not to exaggerate characters and situations as the story will become less believable. The personal history of the journalist is integral to his motivation for undertaking the magazine exposé. Consider developing the character by dropping in more details about his past which could be relevant to his profile as a journalist/murderer. Some of the policeman’s dialogue discussing the position of the body is arguably excessively vulgar and graphic. Without losing the character of his voice or the situation, the language could be slightly toned down. There are a lot of short, punchy phrases which serve as sentences. In general, these help speed up the descriptive narrative in a positive way, but there are several instances where they appear one after the other in long-winded lists which could easily be abbreviated. Such small changes would polish your story.  Overall: Well done on drafting exciting opening chapters. There is a lot of scope for book club-like discussions among readers on the important issues you highlight. Congratulations on entering YouWriteOn’s Top Ten! Feedback from Penny, Random House Readers' Group  Return to Top of Page

Ladder to the Moon by Wendy Wynde Teenage Fiction 02 Feb 2008  Caring for his increasingly sick single parent Father and younger brother is hard enough, but when Jed is falsely accused of stealing a mobile phone, the attention it brings threatens to blow his life apart. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book Every month since we started reviewing for YouWriteOn this story has been on our list to review, so it was with a lot of interest that I got to take my turn at last – and I was NOT disappointed. Ladder to the moon is a beautifully crafted story with some of the most stirring scenes I have read in a story aimed at the teen/older children’s market.  Wendy has chosen a very good theme for the story, adding many of the elements that older children can relate to, while including some adult themes that keep us older folk engaged at the same time. This duality of purpose is essential in creating a successful story and standing out in this heavily populated genre. (Thankfully it is not a saturated market because the older children are always hungry for more!!!) The characters are colourful, deep and yet not too cliché at the same time. The most appealing aspect is that the reader gets to see the characters through the perspective of Jed, meaning that you have to first understand Jed, before then having to translating through the text to reveal an idea of what the characters truly are; an important function of the first person format that a lot of writers forget or simply struggle to articulate. Thankfully Wendy does this well and it adds immeasurably to the piece. Even with only these first three chapters I went on a journey of discovery with the main characters. With the Dad I started with sympathy, and by the time I got to ‘“You’re a good boy.” And his eyelids closed again’ I was becoming quite emotional (Probably because I am a father and have a son) but by the end I was starting to feel that there was more to be said, was it all a true illness, or had his depression, and the mum’s inability to cope with that, been the cause? Why was his pity for himself overriding his paternal instinct to give his children what they needed most? With the Mother I started the journey with many questions, almost angry at her engineering of the situation the family now face, but then those beautiful scenes from Jed’s memory washed all that anger away and replaced it with a longing see the mum again. The section that introduced the ladder to the moon in particular wrenched at my heart. While I could write my thoughts on all the characters, especially poor Sam, the sad child who has no memory of his mother, or Luigi, a surreal counterpoint to the sadness of Jed, it would fill a story its own! So I shall move on to end with my thoughts on Jed. We learn so much about Jed through the text; his self loathing, his maturity far beyond his 14 years of age, forced on him by the situation he has no choice but to endure, his natural intelligence masked by his isolation. That I really related to him and felt his presence in the peace. To conclude, I could try and find points of grammar, rhythm, pace, verse structure etc… that could be improved, but any editor/proof reader could pick those up because there are so few. What this story has is soul and imagination – rare gifts indeed – and its those that I think we should celebrate in this piece of writing. And finally I also passed this on to a harsher critique, my daughter. I let her read it after enjoying it so much myself and you will be glad to read that she says its brilliant, and wants to read more about Jed. A greater compliment from the target audience you would be hard to find! J I believe the YouWriteOn readers are justified in keeping this title so high for so long, especially when you look at the quality of writing we have seen so far from the site! Well Done! Feedback from Gary, Random House Readers' Group  Return to Top of Page

The Hatred of Friends (1st. revision). by Carl Plummer Crime, Novel 22 Apr 2008 The death of an ex-OAS man in an English nursing home sends Mulberry to Paris, and Calvert to Libya in search for gold which had disappeared en route from Israel to Paris nearly fifty years ago. The fourth Mulberry/Calvert story. More Details | Read Sample Chapters | Review Book  A very thrilling submission – congratulations on reaching the Top Ten with your writing! Your crime story is splendidly set up: A crime scene taking place in the suburbs of Paris ; a crime investigation in . These two angles which shape the story are beautifully summarised:  "With Briad involved, and Calvert, steered by Enderby, it was no doubt going to be something rather sordid and somewhat of an embarrassment on both sides of the channel. and : two olde Empires shzlz covering up their dirty tracks, sweeping away their guilt."  This exciting twist provides the reader with an interesting read; in fact the reader is intrigued to find out how the two stories will further intertwine.  Furthermore, you use a topic of current interest as the foundation of your story. It is provocative and appealing.  Your characters are quite well drawn, however, could be more succinct. This is especially important for the first chapters so that the readers can familiarise themselves with the different characters more easily. If you approached your characters with more detail and more concisely, they would have the potential of becoming central characters in a series of crime stories.  I sometimes felt that the story, especially chapter two, ought to have more pace. If you focused Mulberry’s and Enderby’s conversation to only the most essential parts that contribute to your story, it would develop into a more engaging read.  A great start to a crime story whose topic and scenery I found quite compelling. Congratulations!   Feedback from Nicole, Random House Readers' Group  Return to Top of Page