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As part of the Group’s commitment to new writing talent, a Readers’ Group comprising of Random House Group Editors, E-Book Managers and Marketing staff will read the YouWriteOn Top Ten as listed on the first of every month, from April to September this year.
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Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Wheezy Rider (version III) Congratulations on a popular short story, Jan! Likeable characters and a fast paced narrative make this an engrossing read! George and Val Simms are very well crafted characters. In fact they feel so close to one that you might think they exist in reality. The dialogue and storyline contribute to this "real-life-experience" and help the reader to engage with the story: Old George and Val have been married for forty years, however, it seems to be more of a convenience marriage rather than a relationship carried by love and passion. They tease each other in everyday life situations, with Val being a very dominant wife and George simply accepting the fact that he does not have much of a say .... Read Full Review
Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Quietly Shining I really enjoyed reading this and am intrigued to see how it all works when you build in the historical part of the dual narrative. You write beautifully and I particularly liked the look back to the summer of 1986 – in a few image flashes you bring the bigger picture to life. I’m not sure how helpful it is to comment on the beginning of this before you add in the historical prologue, which I think will give it quite a different feel .... Read Full Review
Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Gotcha This was fresh and original and the characters really jump off the page – whether you want them to or not! Vince is sympathetic and engaging and gives us a wonderful view into the literacy class that has brought these varied personalities together. The poignancy of Carlos and Maria’s experience and the contemporary events that still link them to the they left behind added an unexpected and interesting dimension. Uniting such different voices here is ambitious, and as a result I feel that inevitably some parts are working better than others. While Wayne's voice certainly gets the reader's attention, I wonder if it wouldn't be better to start with Vince, who we get to know so much better, and whose character the reader can't help but warm to. If you're keen to stay with Wayne kicking this off I would .... Read Full Review
Random House Readers' Group Feedback on This World and the NextThis World and the Next is a haunting glimpse of a dark future ruled by corporations, where life is cheap and the merest act of survival a constant struggle. But it is so much more than just that! The story has one of the best openings I have come across in some time, and as soon as I read “Ever had dreams that cast a day-long shadow? Dreams that frit you into fear-sweat, or wow you all bliss-soft?” I knew I was in for a treat… Using the first person perspective of a 15 year old girl, strongly voiced in a futuristic urban style is a .... Read Full Review
Random House Readers' Group Feedback on The Lonely TreeAs Vanessa said last month you’ve chosen an unusual setting for your story that certainly piqued my interest as it’s a lifestyle and a country I’d like to know more about. You have created a lively and appealing heroine in the form of Tonia and I felt confident that she was engaging enough to carry your narrative through to its conclusion – whatever that may be. You do need to work on creating more of an authentic period feel for your story; I do generally try to discourage writers from just stating the date and location because I think it’s much more interesting if you try and convey that information through your narration and dialogue and this is something you should bear in mind. You also need to .... Read Full Review
Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Ladder to the MoonCongratulations on a successful story and a very well deserved place in the Top Ten! The story kept me engrossed from beginning to end – a real page turner that many teenagers and adults alike would enjoy reading. The characters are well drawn, the reader easily engages with them. The dialogue is vivid, the plot is very well thought through and fast-paced: The story is beautifully set out within the first three chapters and reveals the two main lines: First, Jed’s family background and his struggle to take care of his father and brother whilst missing and pondering about his mother who, to him mysteriously, has left the family. Second, the developing friendship between Jed and Luigi which slowly starts to build upon mutual support and trust. When reaching the end of chapter three one wants to continue reading to find out how the story develops. I found myself turning the page and .... Read Full Review
Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Wheezy Rider Version III Congratulations on a popular short story, Jan! Likeable characters and a fast paced narrative make this an engrossing read! George and Val Simms are very well crafted characters. In fact they feel so close to one that you might think they exist in reality. The dialogue and storyline contribute to this "real-life-experience“"and help the reader to engage with the story: Old George and Val have been married for forty years, however, it seems to be more of a convenience marriage rather than a relationship carried by love and passion. They tease each other in everyday life situations, with Val being a very dominant wife and George simply accepting the fact that he does not have much of a say: "How many times have we rowed about this George? I’m sick and tired of it.""You’ll end up breaking your neck and I’m the mug who’ll have to push you around in a wheelchair.""He supposed Valerie was entitled to her opinion. God knows she had been excercising that right fo forty years."It is evident that they live an unhappy marriage and at last George decides to go to France to find his old love Sandrine. The situation is wonderfully set up and if one did not know that it was a short story, you could very well imagine the story developing further in Nice. Hence, it comes like a surprise when George dies on his journey. This, together with the message George had left for Val, are quite stirring and thought-provoking. I think you did well in not disclosing George’s words as the more or less open end makes the readers think and develop the scene - including George’s words, Val’s feelings and thoughts - in their own minds. Whilst I liked the fast paced narrative, I think the individual parts could be developed slightly further. The scenes sometimes felt a bit too hasty. If you expanded individual scenes such as Val’s conversation with her friend or George’s death a little, your story would turn into a more relaxing read. Well done on a great short story! I’m sure people would like to read more like these! Feedback from Nicole, Random House Readers' Group Return to Top of Page
Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Quietly Shining(version III) I really enjoyed reading this and am intrigued to see how it all works when you build in the historical part of the dual narrative. You write beautifully and I particularly liked the look back to the summer of 1986 – in a few image flashes you bring the bigger picture to life. I’m not sure how helpful it is to comment on the beginning of this before you add in the historical prologue, which I think will give it quite a different feel, but… while the descriptions are lovely it did feel quite slow to start and I think there needs to be more getting us going and engaging the reader early on. I’d suggest adding in more sounds/movements in the present, and having more dialogue at the start. I think the writing is great but that it’s too early for us to get slow and reflective. I’d also suggest focusing on building up the characters first, as that’ll be the key to our interest in their pasts – we have to care about them from the start. Good luck with this, I think it has potential to be quite special and your position in the Top Ten is a sign that many readers out there have liked this a lot too. Do keep writing! Feedback from Vanessa, Random House Readers' Group Return to Top of Page
Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Gotcha This was fresh and original and the characters really jump off the page – whether you want them to or not! Vince is sympathetic and engaging and gives us a wonderful view into the literacy class that has brought these varied personalities together. The poignancy of Carlos and Maria’s experience and the contemporary events that still link them to the they left behind added an unexpected and interesting dimension. Uniting such different voices here is ambitious, and as a result I feel that inevitably some parts are working better than others. While Wayne ’s voice certainly gets the reader’s attention, I wonder if it wouldn’t be better to start with Vince, who we get to know so much better, and whose character the reader can’t help but warm to. If you’re keen to stay with Wayne kicking this off I would make this opening shorter or less dense – I know Wayne ’s character is intentionally brash and that comes across well, but his behaviour also has the potential to be quite off-putting, which is why I would suggest a little less of it. I think that Wayne ’s character would come across just as well with fewer descriptions/less action and a bit more space for it all to breathe. Maria and Carlos are strong, but their characters are a real leap from the others we’ve met, so I feel they could benefit from being introduced more gently. I definitely would have liked to hear a little more from Maria (reactions to the class, etc), so that we get a sense of her in little glimmers before hearing all about her home country and Lolita. Lolita’s story is such an enormous leap from gentle comedy of the adult education class, and so emotionally powerful, that I think it needs to be built up to more. I’d suggest breaking it into two or even three sections. I hope this is helpful. Well done on reaching the Top Ten with this and for creating some really vibrant characters here. Feedback from Vanessa, Random House Readers' Group Return to Top of Page
This was fresh and original and the characters really jump off the page – whether you want them to or not! Vince is sympathetic and engaging and gives us a wonderful view into the literacy class that has brought these varied personalities together. The poignancy of Carlos and Maria’s experience and the contemporary events that still link them to the they left behind added an unexpected and interesting dimension. Uniting such different voices here is ambitious, and as a result I feel that inevitably some parts are working better than others. While Wayne ’s voice certainly gets the reader’s attention, I wonder if it wouldn’t be better to start with Vince, who we get to know so much better, and whose character the reader can’t help but warm to. If you’re keen to stay with Wayne kicking this off I would make this opening shorter or less dense – I know Wayne ’s character is intentionally brash and that comes across well, but his behaviour also has the potential to be quite off-putting, which is why I would suggest a little less of it. I think that Wayne ’s character would come across just as well with fewer descriptions/less action and a bit more space for it all to breathe. Maria and Carlos are strong, but their characters are a real leap from the others we’ve met, so I feel they could benefit from being introduced more gently. I definitely would have liked to hear a little more from Maria (reactions to the class, etc), so that we get a sense of her in little glimmers before hearing all about her home country and Lolita. Lolita’s story is such an enormous leap from gentle comedy of the adult education class, and so emotionally powerful, that I think it needs to be built up to more. I’d suggest breaking it into two or even three sections. I hope this is helpful. Well done on reaching the Top Ten with this and for creating some really vibrant characters here. Feedback from Vanessa, Random House Readers' Group Return to Top of Page
This warming tale mixes crystal clear imagery with believable characters and an involving story to paint a compelling story that the author should be proud of. Perry has a dazzling gift for blending words into inspiring sentences makes this tale highly quotable and impressive. For example in his radio shack I never thought I could be so enamoured by spots of sunlight! This has an interesting story that gripped me so that by the end of the sample I was keen to read on about Gavin’s adventure to win Ruth’s heart. However, there are a few issues that are currently holding this story back. Consistency would be my first concern. At times I felt that I was a lot of the text was just filling in the gaps between some of the more profound and descriptive metaphors and similes. A greater concentration on economy of word usage would do wonders here. Also, the story’s pace needs to be carefully considered. I suggest reading through the story concentrating more on the rhythm of the sentences and paragraphs. I believe that Perry has the skill to make the passage through the text silky smooth, if enough time was spend on this. I liked some of the dialog as well, especially Neil, whose part in this was highly emotive. But the way Perry blends the narrative with the dialog could do with some slight finessing. My next comment is on the opening paragraphs. I found them a little too long winded and too wordy, with lots of information in. I am sure all the information is well researched and important, but maybe try and strip it down or spread it down a bit. At heart this looks to be turning into a mature romantic tale and I would not want to see readers put off too early on by a plethora of detail. Finally, Good luck developing this tale, it has real promise and some inspirationally crafted use of words that is very impressive and Congratulations on reaching the YouWriteOn top 10!! Feedback from Gary, Random House Readers' GroupReturn to Top of Page
Random House Readers' Group Feedback on This World and the NextThis World and the Next is a haunting glimpse of a dark future ruled by corporations, where life is cheap and the merest act of survival a constant struggle. But it is so much more than just that!The story has one of the best openings I have come across in some time, and as soon as I read “Ever had dreams that cast a day-long shadow? Dreams that frit you into fear-sweat, or wow you all bliss-soft?” I knew I was in for a treat… Using the first person perspective of a 15 year old girl, strongly voiced in a futuristic urban style is a master stroke. The voice and style is strong, consistent, and marks the story out straight away. It makes the reader work for the story. Initially for me this was an issue, but once I had familiarised myself with the style, it was a joy! Interestingly, once I had become familiar with the dialect, I felt more bonded to the piece through the achievement of translation – a powerful effect to achieve! My one concern with this though is that, by making the reader work so hard, it could alienate some readers. Indeed, the first time I started to read this I put it down again after loosing interest in the style. Thankfully I did start again, ready and prepared to work to translate the story, and boy am I glad I did! One suggestion would be to tame down the accent subtly at the start of the story, and then carefully ease the reader in. This may lesson the sense of achievement slightly for the reader, but it would open the story to a wider audience. (Hopefully) Faith’s character is strongly realised, with the 15 year-old’s interpretations of events very compelling for an adult reader reading between the lines. The relationship between Mae and Les is also well done, with both able to vent their despair on each other while occasionally, as they struggle to survive what is happening to them, alluding to the strong and caring relationship that holds the family together. Mae especially intrigues me with her mixture of superficial fretting and later compassion that crucially introduces the family to Morris Cole. I am more mixed about the twins, Saul and Zeff. While they are a light relief for the story as a pair of lucky rogues whose mischievous background is turned to good use as the family’s situation spirals into the unknown, I felt that further development of their characters would benefit the story.The greatest part of the story for me though was the world in which the family are living. From the living conditions, to the food, the behaviour of the inhabitants, and the backstory of that has lead to the dark and compassionless environment that they now live in, it is all highly imaginative and well realised.I could go on filling my review with specific areas of praise, like the many descriptive gems and the driving pace of the story. But to conclude, I think that, with just a little work, this could be a great novel. Keep the fantastic opening line, but concentrate on smoothing out the learning curve for the reader so that they can quickly amerce themselves into the great story that this has the potential to be. Congratulations on reaching the YouWriteOn top and good luck! Feedback from Gary, Random House Readers' Group Return to Top of Page
Random House Readers' Group Feedback on The Lonely TreeAs Vanessa said last month you’ve chosen an unusual setting for your story that certainly piqued my interest as it’s a lifestyle and a country I’d like to know more about. You have created a lively and appealing heroine in the form of Tonia and I felt confident that she was engaging enough to carry your narrative through to its conclusion – whatever that may be. You do need to work on creating more of an authentic period feel for your story; I do generally try to discourage writers from just stating the date and location because I think it’s much more interesting if you try and convey that information through your narration and dialogue and this is something you should bear in mind. You also need to remember that your dialogue should match your setting – Tonia’s comment that Ilana and her friends were a ‘bunch of spoiled rich kids, let them choke on it’ sounded quite jarring and didn’t match with the picture of the setting you were trying to create. Dialogue can be tricky so it may take several attempts before you find a convincing voice for your characters but it’s important that all the different pieces of your writing make for a convincing whole. The attack on the bus is well described, there’s a real sense of the vulnerability of the bus, and Tonia’s reactions to her injuries felt very convincing to me, as did the other passengers’ mixture of excitement and sympathy. I’d have liked to have a little more scene setting in the kibbutz itself and – as Vanessa mentioned – your story would also benefit from some explanation of certain aspects of Jewish culture and politics. I can appreciate that you probably wanted to engage your readers in the story and not slow the action down too much with an overload of information at the start but you also need to set the scene for your readers so that we understand the world the story is set in. The more detailed explanations in chapter three of how they came to live on the kibbutz were very helpful and the death of Leah’s aunt and uncle brought a poignancy to your narrative that helps to explain her parents’ fear and motivations. I enjoyed how you subtly introduced what I presume will be your key storylines – the intriguing mention of ‘what she had discovered about Mrs. Rozmann in school today’ and her brief encounters with the ‘Italian boy’ – and I’m sure, from the section I have read, that you will develop these into some fascinating plot strands. Feedback from Alison, Random House Readers' GroupReturn to Top of Page
Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Ladder to the MoonCongratulations on a successful story and a very well deserved place in the Top Ten! The story kept me engrossed from beginning to end – a real page turner that many teenagers and adults alike would enjoy reading. The characters are well drawn, the reader easily engages with them. The dialogue is vivid, the plot is very well thought through and fast-paced. The story is beautifully set out within the first three chapters and reveals the two main lines: First, Jed’s family background and his struggle to take care of his father and brother whilst missing and pondering about his mother who, to him mysteriously, has left the family. Second, the developing friendship between Jed and Luigi which slowly starts to build upon mutual support and trust.When reaching the end of chapter three one wants to continue reading to find out how the story develops. I found myself turning the page and being disappointed not to find the next chapter. Especially the scenes when Jed thinks of his mother are wonderfully crafted: "When I looked up, there was Mum, looking at me from the mirror…suddenly struck me like Mum. I looked like her. I looked like my Mum. My Mum looked like me…""I just remember thinking that if I wasn’t part of the world what was I? Where was I?"These lead up to the scene when Jed’s mum shows him the stars and the "ladder to the moon". I thought this was a very magical moment indeed, so sweet and touching. I cannot praise Ladder to the Moon enough and was delighted to read of a boy being the centre of the story as many stories these days seem to focus on girls. I would only suggest improving on Jed’s words as he didn’t struck me like a fourteen year old boy. In fact, I was rather surprised when his age was revealed on page three. Altogether, a fantastic submission! I am certain that this could be developed into a great read.Feedback from Nicole, Random House Readers' GroupReturn to Top of Page
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